It's not your fault.

Take a deep breath in through your nose. Hold it. Think of everything you’ve been taught about how you should look, what job you should have, who you should be married to and when. Exhale… and forget about all of it. Take solace in the concept that most of what happens in your life is the result of a chaotic procession of events over which you have no control. There’s a sense of peace in accepting this. And with this acceptance comes a true appreciation for the aspects of your life over which you can assert influence. Do your best to maintain perspective. If you’re reading this, you are likely living in America. I’ll spare you any nonsense about national pride, but the fact is… you sort of lucked out. Just by virtue of geography, you have a distinct head start in the quest for happiness over those born in Gaza, Mogadishu, Monrovia, Kabul, and Falluja. You don’t need to feel guilty about it… just appreciate being a winner in the genetic lottery. Smile. Don’t worry about what happens to you when you die… because you’ll be fucking dead. The molecules that make up your body will begin to break down to the building blocks and rejoin the ever moving cycle of life in fairly short order. Unless you have yourself frozen and launched into orbit. Either way, your worries can’t do much for you now or then. Understand that fear; while an innate and necessary instinct needed for survival, is a tool wielded by those who aim to control your thoughts and actions. Your chances of contracting Ebola are about 1 in 13 million. Your chances of being killed in a car accident on the way home from work today is about 1 in 9100… or  1461 times more likely. Turn off that shit they call “news” and tune in to logic and reason. Their goal isn’t to educate you with a “fair and balanced” presentation of facts. It’s to keep you mortified long enough to watch the next 60 second commercial for dick pills. Listen to the stories your elders tell about the good old days, but take them with a grain of salt. In all likelihood, the world is a better place now than when your grandparents were growing up. Support yourself. Don’t rely on anybody else to do it for you. Maybe you’ve always had someone there to provide the essentials. But you never know when they might suffer fatal heart failure on their lunch break (the leading cause of death in America) and then you’re all kinds of fucked aren’t you? Understand that attraction is not a choice. It’s a function of your brain chemistry, and that as time passes your brain chemistry will change. It’s nobody’s fault. This is a product of evolution that encourages us to diversify the gene pool. You didn’t fall out of love… you are just like everybody else. If you know and understand this, it makes it easier to stick around long enough to develop the type of mutual respect that is truly the cornerstone of a successful partnership. Emotions like jealousy, contempt, and pride; while also innate and having their purpose; are exacerbated by social constructs that have been put into place to align you to an ideology. When Bob builds a pool next door that you could never afford… there’s no need to hate or envy him. Tell him how much you like his pool. He’ll probably let you swim in it.  Unless Bob just got back from a business trip to Liberia… then you might wanna be careful. 

Empathy

I'm a sponge. I soak up everything. The good, the bad... it all intermingles. Joy amongst grief. Pain amongst pleasure. Random information that has no purpose other than to just be known.

I can take one look at you and know how you're feeling. Outwardly you may take on a certain appearance, but the look in your eyes or the way you utter a phrase lets me know what emotion is governing your thoughts. I don't just know it... I can feel it. My empathy is a gift, and a curse. Your sadness can grip me. Your joy can overwhelm. Your anger can infect me. I feel your emotions as if they were my own. And if I really care about you, this may happen uncontrollably. The more comfortable I feel around you, the more I will assimilate to whatever emotion it is that you are feeling. I've always been this way. This consumes energy. If unchecked, it can prevent me from processing my own feelings.  However, experience has shown me the tools I can use to manage it.

Filter - If your emotional energy tends to fall overwhelmingly on the more unpleasant side of the spectrum, I really have no choice but to limit my contact with you.

Isolation - Sometimes I just need to insulate myself from everyone. Time alone allows me to experience my own feelings and purge those of others. I spend this time in solitude examining life and the human condition.

Create - I'll write a song, poem, or a post like this. The internal-external transfer makes me lighter.

Education - Just knowing a little bit about psychology helps me to better cope with the perils of being a human. The daily struggle with cognitive bias and their associated emotions is a fascinating field of study. Coming to understand them lessens my frustration and gives me solace.

Movement - When I'm overflowing, I discharge it through exercise. I'll pound it out on the tennis court, sweat it out on a yoga mat, or channel it into physical strength at the gym. Endorphin is my drug of choice. It leaves me feeling cleansed, and ready to start again.

Reality Check - I sometimes have to conduct an inner dialogue and remind myself that its not my job to keep my fingers on the emotional pulse of everyone around me. I remind myself that sometimes caring too much is not necessarily a good thing; And that in most cases, nobody asked me to check up on them.

Feast or Famine

Being poor is not something that is foreign to me. Growing up I never had much dough despite having started work at age 15. I can remember freshmen year of college when I was literally living off of Top Ramen and whatever free beer I could find abandoned at a house party. I would, in the years immediately following, find ways to drastically increase my income. But as the story goes, I eventually abandoned those strategies.

Things didn't change too much after school. Immediately strapped with student loans, car payments, rent, insurance, and just the overall high cost of living in San Diego, I struggled to stay afloat despite working 70+ hours a week across two different jobs.

Eventually things started to get better. I was hired on full-time at the TV station. The gig came with full benefits, 401k with company matching, overtime pay, vacation and comp days. It was pretty solid compared to anything I had done in the past. Right around this time my father and I sat down and discussed my fiscal future. He educated me on expected rates of inflation, median housing prices in the area, interest rates, and loan consolidation and repayment options. We mapped out a plan. Based on all the aforementioned data, we theorized that if I stayed within my budget and continued to earn a modestly increasing wage year over year, that I would have enough savings and cashflow to put a down-payment on a house within 6 years time.

We had this discussion in early 2001. Roflmao. As we all know, median home prices in Southern California more than DOUBLED from 2001 -2007... and it just kept going. And everything else just got more expensive along with it. So much for well laid plans. There was no way to have predicted the huge rise on living costs, so I continued to be right there on the edge of poverty, despite making $75k a year. As it turns out... I am lucky that I did not become a home-owner when I had wanted to, as I would now be in far worse shape... but that's for another post.

Through it all, I kept up my end of the bargain and steadily increased my income year over year. I even found creative ways to supplement more normal income... but I also found ways to spend more and more. One day I woke up and realized...Yep, I'm the broke guy that drives a BMW. I am sooooo California.

When everything was going down at Qualcomm, I could've spent the weeks leading up to my last day looking for a job so that I could start new work immediately. That would allow me to take the lump sum severance money and eliminate my debt entirely. I could start over fresh. That was my natural instinct. But then I stopped and got a bit nostalgic. I realized that I had not taken off more than maybe 8 or 9 consecutive days in the past decade. I also had not done any of the traveling that I always talked about.

So for the first time since I was 15 years-old... I stopped working. It was fantastic. It was marvelous. It was... a short-lived retirement. It served so many purposes. One of which was to illustrate just how fast the money goes when you have none coming in.

Fresh Start

Oh hi. It's been while. Sorry about that. As it turns out, when you work at night, you don't want to do much when you get out of work, except maybe...drink alcohol. And although that wasn't the case every night, I certainly didn't have the energy for blog posts.

So... some news. My last day at Aria was December 17th. I took some time off and went back home to San Diego for the holidays. I came back to Vegas for New Year's, and started my new job on January 7th. I am now working as a Systems Engineer at Hughes Network Systems here in Las Vegas. Yay! Back to my field of expertise. And also, back to normal daylight hours. It's not even been a week and I can already feel the life returning to me. I've started making it back to the gym (I got skinny fat again) and once the weather warms back up I will get back on the tennis courts.

I'm considering a malpractice lawsuit against Summerlin Medical Center and the attending physician. Their negligence has left me with a permanent disability in my dominant arm and hand. Had they done their due diligence I would have sought treatment in a timely manner and avoided the nerve damage that I must now live with. I've not yet retained a lawyer as I want to ask around for referrals.

Too soon to comment on the new gig. Training will be a long process and there is much for me to learn. I work from 7:30 to 4:30 and take an hour for lunch midday. I still haven't fully adjusted to the new sleep schedule as I used to go to sleep at the time that I now wake up. Hopefully in a few more days I'll kick the drowsiness.

I'll update the blog more often now that I am awake and coherent during the hours when my brain functions in a way that promotes creativity.

Alfred Kelley 1913-2012

Granddad passed away this summer at age of 99. He had taken a fall, requiring surgery. And while showing signs of improvement in the days immediately following, the ordeal proved too much for him. He died on the afternoon of Jun 7th in La Jolla, CA, shortly after a visit from his son and grandson.

On June 22, Al was buried in Quincy, MA next to his wife Lillian, who has passed away 12 years prior.

Mom, Dad, Sean, Jack, Carrie, and I attended the funeral service on a warm summer day at the Pine Hill cemetery. Uncle Jack prepared a moving speech. It was a quick and simple ceremony... as he had requested.

We laid him to rest, and then did as we knew he wanted. We celebrated his life by spending time with family. We visited the neighborhoods that my parents grew up in. We all went out for lobster dinner in Nantasket. We spent the afternoon walking around Boston. Sean and I took in a Red Sox game at Fenway. We drank some whisky. We drank some wine. We toasted to his extraordinary life. 

I miss him so much.

Alfred Kelley 1913-2012

Wanna get in Shape?

It's really pretty simple... for most of us anyways. Unless you have an injury, a glandular disorder, severe disability, or some other physical hindrance, its as easy as diet and exercise. Sorry if you thought I was going to offer some sort of miracle workout plan. There isn't one.

The reason many people can't seem to stay in shape, is the same one that keeps them toiling at a job they hate, or trapped in a relationship they've grown tired of. They are lazy. They don't want to have to work at something continuously. The idea is distasteful. Our fascination with the lottery, games shows, jackpots, and get-rich-quick pyramid scams all hold to the same pattern of thought... which is, "I don't really wanna work..." at least not for long anyways.

The same holds true for one's own physical fitness. Every few years someone makes a few million off some new twist to a workout video, all based on that same mentality. P90X, Insanity, Jane Fonda, etc. There is nothing special about any of them. The reason people like the idea is because they fantasize that once they've completed the routine, they'll never have to exert themselves again. And therein lies the problem. Until a person changes his or her mindset, they will never achieve anything in the long term. Its the same reason why most lottery winners end up broke. They never planned for continuous success. They set themselves up for failure before they even begin.

Wanna get in shape? There are a million ways. Wanna stay in shape? There is ONE way. Comes to terms with the idea that you will have to continue exercising and eating a healthy diet FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. For some people this very idea sounds horrendous. "But I don't wanna work!" Sure you can take a week off here and there. But you're going to gain a few pounds of fat and/or lose a few of muscle. That's simply how it works. Its nothing more than chemistry. Think of your body like a garden: If you continue to water it, feed it and weed it...it will generally stay pretty healthy. But if you go to all that work and then neglect it for a month, it will begin to wilt, rot, and become overgrown. Your body is not all that different. You are a composition of organic matter. While the systems that govern it can be fascinatingly complex, the material itself is fairly crude and simple.

So, are you ready? Wake up, drink some water, and do push-ups.  Do as many as you can. Rest for a bit and then do some more. That's enough for now. You'll build up your chest rather fast. I promise. You might even get better results than working out at the gym. You see, most gyms are gimmicks too. There a gazillion machines isolating each muscle, but 75% of them all do the same thing. Wanna build your legs? Your own body weight and gravity provide enough resistance. Do squats. Again, do them until you can barely do any more. When you first try this, you will barely be able to walk the next day. Want a six pack? Crunches work great. Back? Do pull-ups. Get a bar or use your own door frame. Arms? Chin-ups and dips. Cardio? Take a walk. Save your money. Save your gas. Save yourself. Just put in the work. It's really not that hard once you start. Understand that getting up and starting is possibly the most difficult part. But more importantly... understand and realize that you will have to continue this INDEFINITELY. Once you get into a pattern of exercise, your body will start releasing endorphin (the world's best drug) and you will start looking forward to it. It will become a happy part of your daily routine. You will start to feel kinda grungy on the days that you are unable to get your workout done.

Wanna eat burritos? That's fine, you'll just have to walk or run twice as much. Some people love it. If you don't like the sound of the extra work, then just eat right. If you don't even know what that means, you just aren't trying hard enough. Eat less food and drink more water. Eat carrots instead of potato chips. Cookies are bad for you. There is an entire industry built around keeping you fat, so that they can sell you more products designed to get you skinny again. Break the cycle. Wake up. There is no miracle. In fact, its actually very simple.

Oh... and yes... your metabolism slows down as you grow older, requiring you to work even harder to stay healthy. Sorry about that. It doesn't get easier.

This is life. Enjoy it.

I suck

Note to self:

What kind of shitty blog is this? It's updated every week for years on end, then suddenly there is a three month effing gap? You suck, Mr. Kelley. Get the hell out of bed and write something.

Response to self:

 Ok. I will. I promise. I will catch up.

Nightwalker

My schedule until further notice is 6pm til ~ 2 am... Saturday through Wednesday. Monday through Wednesday I act as Floor Supervisor for the cash games. On Saturdays and Sundays I work as evening Tournament Director. This generally includes overtime as I must stay until the contest ends. I am happy with this. The overtime is good money and helps me to maintain my average of +30 hours a week which I need to qualify for medical benefits.

On the downside, the only time I will see the sun is as it sets and rises...or as it peeks through the shades of my bedroom window. Milk will have to suffice as my source of Vitamin D for now. Life is obviously quite different when you wake up at 5:00 pm. The majority of those around you are finishing their days before yours starts. And when you are dragging yourself home after a long nights work, elderly folks are walking their dogs or headed off to McDonald's to sip on a scalding hot bucket of coffee, nibble on tater tots, and leaf through the latest edition of USA Today.

Police are ever-present during my commute home. This comforts me more than it annoys me, despite having been pulled over and harassed recently. The officer claimed that I was driving "suspiciously slow" and that he smelled alcohol in the car. He then asked me for permission to search the vehicle. I sighed and, using the most respectful tone I could muster, stated that he has no right to do that without probable cause, and that he would need warrant to continue. Anticipating the reaction that this would likely spawn, I volunteered to submit to the field breathalyzer test so that he could see I was sober and let me go on my way. This request seemed to surprise him as he went silent for a moment. I believe he came to the realization that his fishing expedition was a failure, and decided to abort. He mumbled something about being careful and that he would be watching me... and disappeared as quickly as he arrived. I continued home without the annoyance of some bullshit ticket to rationalize his attempt to violate my 4th amendment rights.

I have decided its not a great idea to try and adjust back to normal hours on my days off, as it will make those first couple days back at work that much harder. So, I have become a creature of the night. I won't go so far as to say it makes me feel isolated from society, (this is Vegas after all) but I cannot help but smile at the odd nature of encountering drunks and party-goers during the equivalent of morning. My heightened level of awareness at such an hour must make me appear as though I am seeking something out, as I have already been propositioned by working girls on several occasions. Either that, or I am swimming in testosterone.

Being around at late hours leaves me vulnerable to crime. As I was leaving the Wynn casino a couple weeks ago, I arrived at my car to find it had been broken into. They smashed my drivers side window, reached inside and opened the door. The stole my fanny pack (yes I have a fanny pack) that was sitting in the passenger seat. They made off with $40, two extra strength Tylenol, a magnetic name-tag, and small bottle of hand moisturizer. Fortunately they did not take the time to look for more items as they would have found my Garmin GPS, a bottle of Adderall, my passport, my checkbook, my work ID card, and an acoustic guitar. I've learned my lesson about leaving any items of value in my car. I got home around 5 and made the claim on my insurance website. I took a short nap and at 830 was in Henderson at the Safelite glass place, sleeping in a chair while the window was being replaced at $0 cost to me. Thanks Allstate... it appears I am in good hands with you.

Dark Horses

My theme lately. I don't have to be a Christian to appreciate the message.

Getting on with Getting On.

     A few weeks after the Surgery, I came back out to Vegas to begin the task of digging myself out of a financial crisis. The cost of surgery and the lack of income during the recovery period had left me completely destitute. I had $0 cash, yet the bills continued to arrive. Funny how that works. My situation at the Mirage had not improved. Despite my willingness to put forth extra effort, pick up days whenever I could, I was not receiving enough work to make ends meet. The scheduling was totally erratic. From one week to the next, I had no idea how many days I might be scheduled, on which shift, or in what capacity. Coupled with a total lack of positive feedback from my manager, I found myself becoming very frustrated. But rather than go marching around verbalizing my complaints, I decided to make a simple choice; To either do something about the situation, or accept it and shut up. It didn't take me more than a moment to know that I was not going to do the latter. 

   I had been steadily applying for jobs both in San Diego and Las Vegas for months, but had little response thus far. All I could do was just continue to send out resumes every day. I was thrilled when, in early January, I received a phone call from a hiring manager at Aria. He was calling to let me know that I had been selected as one of 9 new employees out of an applicant pool of over 225. I made arrangements to meet and sign the job offer the next day. That afternoon I let my boss know that I would be leaving the Mirage. I took the time to thank him for the opportunity he had given me and to wish him well. His response was essentially non-existent apart from a few formalities regarding my exit paperwork. Not that I ever really had a doubt, but his cold-shoulder response only reinforced a confidence that I was making the right decision by leaving. Shortly thereafter, I was off to corporate Orientation for a few days and then some specialized training for the poker staff. I worked my first shift just a few days later. The room is generally busy, and that will only continue as we get closer to the summer. I have a regular schedule, five days a week with Saturdays and Sundays off. (REALLY!)

    Aria is a gorgeous property. I challenge you to find anyone that thinks differently. The facilities are sparkling and the staff is friendly. Their focus on customer service is what makes them stand apart. Positive attitudes are abound, friendliness is the norm, and most everyone seems genuinely happy to be there. It is such a welcome change.

   I work 5 days a week, however I am not a full-time employee. That means when things get slow, I (and my fellow new employees) will be the ones that get forced out first. So far that has never been before completing at least 6 hours of work. It seems that on the slower days of the week like Tuesday and Wednesday, I will usually work from 1pm until 7, and on Thursdays and Fridays until 9. MGM has a policy that if an employee averages 30 hours a week or more throughout a fiscal quarter, he or she will receive full medical and dental benefits... which are fantastic. I am told that I should have no problem meeting that mark... and in my first two weeks I have already exceeded it. So, here I am. Still in Las Vegas, doing much better than before. I will continue to make daily efforts to further my career and get back to that level of comfort and lifestyle that I had enjoyed for so long. Things are headed in the right direction.

     As far as my medical condition goes.... I am not sure whats going on. It has been 9 weeks since the surgery and I don't feel like my arm is getting much better. I have been told that recovery from nerve damage is a very gradual thing and that it might take as long as 6 months before I get all the sensation and strength back. But I also have to prepare myself for the possibility that the damage is too severe and that the nerve may never fully recover. Although I still hope for the best, I have accepted that even if I don't get back all the function in my right arm, I am still going to be just fine. I still have plenty enough ability to write, type, tie my shoes, open doors, carry things, and live a totally normal life. I may not ever be able to get back into the sort of physical condition I was in prior to the injury, but that's ok. I will try to do my best. It's just very difficult to do resistance training when one side of my body is significantly weaker than the other. Simple things like pushups, pullups, bench presses, dips, are impossible. I have to work each side separately. I will schedule a followup appointment at 12 weeks and try to get some more answers.

     The one thing I really miss is tennis. I haven't swung a racket since the injury. I'm not going to try for another few weeks as I have not been cleared for that kind of activity yet. I know its going to be some time before I ever get back to the same level. The weakness in my arm is going to present a major problem in striking the ball with any real force. I might have to teach myself how to hit lefty if I hope to ever play at an even remotely competitive level. 

The surgery

I arrived at the surgical center at 530 and signed in. Around 630, I was brought into the back, changed into a hospital gown, and given an IV line. I was asked the same questions repeatedly by several different folks, all for the purpose of verifying that I was the correct person, and that I was getting the proper procedure. What is your name? What is your birthday? Who is your doctor? What procedure will he be performing today? Eventually my surgeon stopped by to say hello, and I was wheeled into the operating room. I hopped up onto the operating table and...

     ...that's it. That is all I remember. It's not unusual for someone that was administered general anesthesia to experience post-operative anterograde amnesia. In other words, I lost some time from even before the anesthesia was administered. I have no idea how long I might have been up on that table and conscious before they knocked me out. I can't remember. 

     Also, I had no dreams that I can recall. It seemed as if no time passed at all before I woke in the surgical intensive care unit. My throat hurt a bit. I was fidgety and unable to get comfortable at first. I was wearing a cervical collar that made it difficult to lie down. Eventually I slept. I stayed the night in the hospital and was discharged the following day.

     I was under the impression that the symptoms in my arm would be relieved instantly upon decompression of the nerve. I am not sure why I thought that. After doing a bit of research I see that it takes awhile for the nerves to heal. I have been told to be patient... and that it will eventually get better.

     I had a huge purplish and yellow gash on my neck that was swollen and ugly. My esophagus was swollen on the inside from being intubated, and on the outside from being held to the side by tools during the surgery. Swallowing was pretty difficult for the first week. They gave me Vicodin for the pain. It worked fine, but the side-effects were displeasing enough that I stopped using it after only a few days. I was up and about very quickly. I took walks around the neighborhood with my Mom. Sleeping was not so easy. I had to wear the collar and it made all the other muscles in my back tense up. It was difficult to get comfortable. I found that hot showers really helped me to loosen up in the morning. 

     For the first week, I spent most of my time wrapped in a blanket and propped up with pillows reading kindle books. I whizzed through The Hunger Games Trilogy in less than 9 days. I ate a lot of yogurt and macaroni and cheese. I helped my parents make some decisions about new electronics for the house. I got them set-up with Wi-fi, a new PC, and a home theatre system.
    I got to attend two different holiday parties. The nice people at the pharmacy were kind enough to put a label on the side of the Vicodin bottle that says "Alcohol intensifies the effect of this drug". I'm glad I read the instructions! My neck brace was a great conversation starter. After a few cocktails the answers to "what happened" would change with each individual. "I'm a rodeo clown, big ass steer gored me in the jugular" or "bungee cord snapped" or "ate a bunch of mushrooms and dove into an empty pool". There was no end to the fun.
    After two weeks I had a follow-up appointment with the surgeon. He told me I could take off the brace, and that I was cleared to drive. I stuck around for a few more days before heading back to Las Vegas in search of work and the associated funds necessary to sustain my life.
    I am feeling better every day. I hope to start physical therapy soon, so I can work on rebuilding the muscles that I lost to atrophy. I look forward to being healthy again. Here's a nice snapshot of my new hardware.

Surgery

I will be returning to San Diego on December 5th. My surgery is on the 7th. I will stay in town to recover for a few weeks. I expect to be back in Vegas just after Christmas.

If all goes well, I should be back in the gym in a few months time, and can work on rebuilding all the muscle that has atrophied as a result of my condition. Something to look forward to. I have become rather frail and weak.

I want one.

Ok Alone

For me there is a feeling
That I’ve intimately known
When the pain subsides
I will be ok alone.

And though its not the first time
And though I have since grown
And though it may be awhile
I will be ok alone.

For my mistakes and failures
I must and shall atone
I will find peace within myself
And I will be ok alone.

I’ve humbly taken credit
For all that which I own
And now I must let go of it
And I will be ok alone.

So I will learn to speak again
In a genuinely positive tone
I know I will find hope again
And I will be ok alone.

And now...

Alright.... now what?

A brief recap:

In the past year, my life has been mostly without structure. It was around this time last year when I learned that FLO TV's days were limited. I was offered a generous severance package to leave the company early. Given my area of responsibility and its relatively high level of importance, I viewed their willingness to let me go as a strong indicator that I ought to take the money and move on. So I did.

Having not taken more than 9 or 10 consecutive days off from work in the decade leading up to that point, I made the decision to not immediately jump back into the workforce. Instead, I used the money to travel and sustain myself while I took some time to unplug. Sure, I could have found another job and used the severance money to pay off the my debts. That would have been a smart, safe decision. But that's not to say  I regret the path I have chosen. I enjoyed my time off. I learned a lot about myself.

After a few months without any income other than poker winnings, the time had come to start formulating a more structured plan for the future. I briefly toyed with the idea of starting a business, and even put a few meetings together to explore into the details. It became clear that in order for my idea to succeed, I would need to be ready to scale up quickly. As such, I would require a large amount of capital to assemble the proper resources. I became aware of complications pertaining to intellectual property and possible patent infringement. Given the variables, I finally had to admit that the risk outweighed the upside. I still think the idea is viable, but having weighed the pros and cons I decided I was not ready for the massive undertaking at the time. 

At a point in life where most of my peers were starting families and bound by such responsibilities, I found myself unrestricted. But even while working in stable conditions with good pay, the high cost of living in San Diego had left me without the means to do much international travel. So with the lump sum paymenty from Qualcomm, I took a piece and went on vacation for awhile. I enjoyed every minute of it. But, I wanted to see more of the world. It knew it would be far easier if I had a steady income. So I looked at the opportunities to work abroad. It turns out they are plentiful. I finally decided to head east to teach English as a second language to students in South Korea. This happened right around the time they changed their immigration laws. The mandates now require that any foreign national be denied a Visa if they have a criminal record of any kind... even a misdemeanor. With a DUI on my record from 2005, my plans to move to Korea quickly fell apart. So, I began looking into other countries. I still focused on Asia because of the higher pay and low cost of living. I got together with a recruiting agency and found placement in Shanghai, China. I gathered all the necessary documents, passed all the interviews, and even set a date to move...October 2011. I would stay for at least one year. I could hardly wait.

With several months until the start date and the last of severance package money spoken for, I needed to find some work. I didn't even really care what it was, so long as it gave me the opportunity to pay down some debt before leaving overseas. On a whim, I got the job at the Mirage and moved to Las Vegas. I then landed the job at the World Series of Poker on top of that. Things were looking great. I would bust my ass for a couple of months, sell everything I owned, pay of the remainder of my debt, and move to China. Everything was falling into place.

And then I got hurt.

So now what? With my condition and the likelihood of surgery looming, I have had to postpone the China trip indefinitely. It also has become apparent that I am not comfortable surviving on the modest pay that I've been able to earn since moving here. It was only meant to be temporary. So... somethings got to give. I need assurances that I have potential for upward mobility in the gaming industry, or I need to stop wasting my time. It would be easy to get stuck in Vegas. This living is cheap, but so is the cost of labor. Living hand to mouth is nothing new for me....  but it not something I have any desire to continue. 

I suppose this is just another of life's little challenges. I am trying physical therapy to help with the injury. I feel like it might be working but its too soon to say. I know my strength on the right side has partially returned... but my the numbness in my fingers and arm persists. Decision time will come soon. I'll continue with the therapy for a few more weeks and then get another MRI and EMG test done. The results will clearly show if I am improving. If not... I will bite the bullet and get the surgery. My lease is up here at the end of October. I will have a decision before then. If I have not improved, I will pack my things into storage and return to San Diego for the surgery and recovery. 

Communication Skillz

"Do you have a seat open?"

"Not at the moment sir. However, I can you put you on the list."

"Really?"

"Yes, I can really put you on the list."

"No, I meant, there really isn't a seat open? It's looks there there are seats open."

"Right. Except that.... there aren't. Really."

"You don't have to be a dick."

"And you don't have to call me names because you can't get what you want instantly."

"You are kind of a jerk."

"I know. Who's next?"

Bad News

I just got back from seeing my doctor.

This is not good. My doctor is a sports medicine guy. He tells me that he always recommends physical therapy, localized steroids, stretching, over surgery when he believes the severity of the injury justifies it. In other words, he tries to avoid sending people to a surgeon if he can. He told me flat out that he does not think any of those things will help me. My condition is severe enough that he highly recommends surgery... and to get it done as soon as possible. He has given me the name of several reputable spinal surgeons in the area. I am looking in San Diego as well.

The surgical options include ACDF (anterior cervical discectomy/fusion), PCDF (posterior cervical discectomy/fusion). The posterior version (in which the cutting happens from the back of the neck instead of through the throat) can sometimes be done without fusing the vertebrae. In other words, they can remove the bulging portion of the disc and leave you with what you have left. I sure hope for this one, since I am still relatively young and want to maintain a somewhat active lifestyle post-op. There are other options as well, including the insertion of cadaver parts (yes, that means neck parts from a dead guy). I will see a neurological surgeon soon and find out all the options, recovery times, costs to me, insurance info, the whole nine yards.

Recovery from any one of these surgeries is generally a minimum of 12 weeks. Yeah. Um. Yay. Going overseas is definitely not going to happen. I have no idea what I am going to do about work. I have no idea what I am going to do about money. I have no idea if I am going to get better. One thing I do know... I want my arm back. Here is an overview of the most common surgical practices.

There is no point in freaking out though. It's just another challenge. Plenty of people deal with much worse, everyday. So, it is what it is. I will try to stay positive. Nevertheless...stress is building.

Imperfection

I'm "flooring" more these days than I am dealing. In fact, every day this week and next, I am scheduled to work up front. That is, if I can manage to stop screwing up.

My job is mostly as a cashier/brush. A brush is mainly in charge of maintaining waiting lists and seating players into poker games. A cashier exchanges chips for currency and is responsible for keeping the bank balanced. I do both of these jobs simultaneously. Throughout an 8 hour shift, I will conduct hundreds of transactions. It is imperative that I follow a strict procedure when counting out chips and currency, selling tournament tickets, making change, or exchanging money with the other cashier window. Doing so allows surveillance to accurately record all transactions. It can be overwhelming at times. At the end of each shift, the incoming cashier will count all chips and currency in the presence of the outgoing cashier. The total needs to be the same as it was at the beginning of the shift. If its not, then surveillance will have to review tape from the entire shift to find out where the mistake occurred. These shortages and/or overages are referred to as "variance". A cashier is permitted variance within certain amounts and within certain periods of time. If one exceeds the allowable parameters, then Houston, we have a problem.

I have worked a total of 4 shifts. On my first day, my window came up perfect. Dead on. Yay. I love it when a plan comes together. On my second day, I was $100 short. Fuck. Surveillance was alerted and after reviewing every single transaction, found the instance where I made the error. Just before the shift change, I gave a player $100 extra in exchange for his chips. Garrrrgh. On my third day, my window came up perfect. Woohoo! And then today, we found the guy that I gave the extra $100 to. We showed him the surveillance pictures and he gladly gave back the $100! YAY! No write-up. I was feeling pretty good about it.

That feeling quickly went away when my window came up $200 short tonight. FUCK! Where did I screw up this time? I was SO CAREFUL. I counted and recounted everything. I was hyper diligent. How could this happen.... AGAIN? For the second time in a week, surveillance is combing through 8 hours of video looking for where I messed up. Hopefully they will find it. But even if they do, I am starting to wonder if I am capable of doing this job.

I'm embarrassed. I have had many jobs over the years. No matter what they have been, I have always taken pride in doing them well. I feel I am doing a good job in this role, except for the part where I can't fucking count. GAH! This is really bothering me. I'm going through everything in my head trying to figure out where I might have boned the thing up. I'm coming up blank. Logic suggests that I probably gave chips to a customer without collecting the money. This would make sense considering $200 is a very common buy-in and the sort of transaction that would happen very quickly.

Let's hope I get it right tomorrow. I pretty much have to.

A little luck when you need it.

I cannot believe what just happened.