Dealing

My blog has become an example of "Things white people like" lately. Sad poetry, song lyrics, and surely some low-down wallowing in misery. I'm not embarrassed for my emotions, but I understand that it can all seem a bit cliché if you're removed from it. So be it. Expressing it is my way of dealing.

I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself over the last couple of days about the breakup. It comes in waves. I think most of my emotions stem from frustration and regret. Regret that I made it so she was afraid to talk to me about things that were upsetting her. Regret that my initial reactions were so opposite of what I really felt. Frustration that now that I have had some time to organize my thoughts and emotions, I cannot express them because it is too late and she is not interested in hearing them. Frustration that I been feeling something "different" from her, but couldn't find the right words to get to the heart of the matter, when I knew it was important that I do so.

I know my situation is not unique, so I find some comfort in the advice of others that have been through it. Sometimes I get that through conversations with friends. Other times I find help in literature or quotes. I know the real comfort comes later, and stems from obtaining a true understanding of the events that transpired and taking the lessons forward. I know that and understand it, because I have been through it too. Nevertheless, it's hard to move on when I still am holding on for a chance to try and fix it. I do hope for that. I think there is a very solid foundation that makes it worth trying to fix. But it's hard to see that opportunity present itself when there has been a request for zero communication. It's hard to take that as anything other than a wish to close the book completely. That she doesn't see it that way. I know I can make real promises, and stick to them, but it seems I might never get that chance again. If she knows without uncertainty, that there is no possibility for reconciliation, no matter what I change... well then I must agree there is no point in me trying, as it can only lead to more pain. I just wish I knew. The absence of any signs either way does not bolster my hope. The last thing I want to do is cause or create any more strife for anybody.

Coolidge

I'm not a cool guy anymore
As if I ever was before
I took a look at all the signs
Then rolled it over in my mind
The feelings I could not release
Became a bitter part of me
What was I thinking of?
It couldn't stay the way it was
I looked at my reflection
And I saw a stranger's face
I saw where I was going
And I had to walk away
I lost a girl, it's just as well
She tried to save me from myself
I've still got her on my mind
Tossing and turning in my bed
But if she had stayed another week
I would have dragged her down with me
She took it till she'd had enough
Is that what I thought love was?
I told her see you later
But it's hard to see at all
At the bottom of the barrel
With your back against the wall
I'm not a cool guy anymore
Left it behind, then closed the door
I know you can't escape the past
Now I look back and have to laugh
I was my own worst enemy
It almost got the best of me
What was I thinking of?
It couldn't stay the way it was
I looked up one day and saw that
It was up to me
You can only be a victim if you
Admit defeat

Coolidge - Descendents

Loss and Grief

This is where I write about what is going on in my life, however I have always taken a lot of care to respect the privacy of others. So I will try to be as considerate as possible and exclude any details that might breach that boundary, but its a fine line to walk.

My 2+ year relationship with Melina ended early Saturday morning, the 20th. The decision was hers. We had no prior discussion about splitting up before she informed me of her decision. It took a few days to fully sink in. It still hasn't totally. I have woken up every morning since and for a brief moment, felt relief that I had only dreamed it. Then... a moment later, oh... right. No dream.

I am not filled with anger or bitterness or resentment. Some of those feelings come, but they don't linger. I nearly destroyed an opportunity to end on good terms, by having almost no response at all... I was just numb. Thankfully she allowed me an opportunity to express thanks for what was truly a wonderful 2 and a half years.

I will miss her dearly.


The process begins.

my heart aches

So strange it is...

When we find comfort in denial
and pain in acceptance

When we find hope amidst grief
and sorrow amidst love

When we find togetherness alone
and loneliness amongst many

When we find ourselves through others
and and lose others through ourselves

Today is my birthday.

I'm 33 today. Most people at work don't know it, and that's fine really. I've never been big on the office celebration thing.

In years past I've had a party at my house or pub crawls or some sort of celebration since my birthday comes so close to St. Paddy's day, but this year I just felt like keeping it low-key. So, tonight after work, Melina will meet me at the office and we will go over to my parents house for some steak and wine. My uncle is in town so it works out perfectly. He, and my brother and grandfather will join us there as well. I'll try to remember to take a camera and post some pictures.