Wednesday, March 31, 2010


My blog has become an example of "Things white people like" lately. Sad poetry, song lyrics, and surely some low-down wallowing in misery. I'm not embarrassed for my emotions, but I understand that it can all seem a bit cliché if you're removed from it. So be it. Expressing it is my way of dealing.

I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself over the last couple of days about the breakup. It comes in waves. I think most of my emotions stem from frustration and regret. Regret that I made it so she was afraid to talk to me about things that were upsetting her. Regret that my initial reactions were so opposite of what I really felt. Frustration that now that I have had some time to organize my thoughts and emotions, I cannot express them because it is too late and she is not interested in hearing them. Frustration that I been feeling something "different" from her, but couldn't find the right words to get to the heart of the matter, when I knew it was important that I do so.

I know my situation is not unique, so I find some comfort in the advice of others that have been through it. Sometimes I get that through conversations with friends. Other times I find help in literature or quotes. I know the real comfort comes later, and stems from obtaining a true understanding of the events that transpired and taking the lessons forward. I know that and understand it, because I have been through it too. Nevertheless, it's hard to move on when I still am holding on for a chance to try and fix it. I do hope for that. I think there is a very solid foundation that makes it worth trying to fix. But it's hard to see that opportunity present itself when there has been a request for zero communication. It's hard to take that as anything other than a wish to close the book completely. That she doesn't see it that way. I know I can make real promises, and stick to them, but it seems I might never get that chance again. If she knows without uncertainty, that there is no possibility for reconciliation, no matter what I change... well then I must agree there is no point in me trying, as it can only lead to more pain. I just wish I knew. The absence of any signs either way does not bolster my hope. The last thing I want to do is cause or create any more strife for anybody.

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