Friday, April 22, 2011

Solitary Man

As an aside, this is the first time in my 34 years that I have lived alone. Do I love it? Whoa, hey, its only been a couple of weeks. Let's not throw around the "L" word just yet. Jeesh. But I will gladly weigh the pros and cons of my new living situation.

PRO: When I wake up, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who walks to the refrigerator naked.
CON: Nobody to shock with nudity. Unless it's a random stripper. And then nudity isn't really going to shock her now is it?

PRO: When I come home and find half of my ice cream sandwiches gone, I can instantly call the police.
CON: I have been known to sleepwalk and apparently the police don't investigate missing dessert items. "Are you sure you didn't eat them sir?" "Well, not totally sure, but I think that I would remem.... hello? Hello?"

PRO: There is no dog hair to be found anywhere in my condo.
CON: There is no doggie to be found anywhere in my condo. :(

PRO: My living expenses have been cut in a third.
CON: My living space has been cut in a third.

PRO: If there is a mess, it is because I made it.
CON: I am making more messes just for the sake of it.

PRO: I can do laundry whenever I want.
CON: I like doing laundry. A lot. I think I may be a compulsive launderer.

PRO: More quiet alone time.
CON: I drink like a fish.

PRO: I can sit and watch whatever I want on the tv without interruption.
CON: I don't have cable, so I just sit on the couch staring at the plants.

PRO: When I have guests over... I don't have to clear it with anyone first.
CON: I don't have any friends. Don't feel bad for me. It's because I'm an asshole.

PRO: No misunderstandings over whose turn it is to feed the gimp.
CON: The gimp doesn't get fed very often.

PRO: Any disagreements end with me winning. Duh.
CON: I'm basically insane.

PRO: If I come home late and smelling like cheap hobo wine, there is nobody to answer to:
CON: I've been drinking Night Train again.

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